i dunno if its to deep but im tired and need to vent. i was in the car today with a few friends and we were driving around town and just blasting white girl classics cuz yk we js tryna go deaf or be a noise complaint or smt. and i just felt so alive for the first time in like years. like i was actually happy. but even then like i stopped and took it in. i was vaping, and the volume was maxed out in the speakers, the mirrors were shaking with the base and i just sat there and thought about the fact that i dont feel happy unless im being a menace in the process of that... and i dont really wanna be like this but i dunno how NOT to. like i look back to a few years ago, and im exactly the person i didnt wanna be... and im the person my family told me i WOULD be. and i just feel like i kinda failed myself again. like but at the same time i finally got what i needed. i have friends and freedom and things to do again. but i also feel like i lost a lot too. i have a big friend group who likes me but other than that i just realize how much of a pain i am to everyone else around me. like... adults hate me. all my friends parents hate me except for 2 who like me a little to much ifykwim... and its like oh... IM the bad influence. IM the one doing dumb shit the most and now im bringing other down with me and i dont know how NOT to. i feel like im burying myself in so much shit that im just gonna have to undo when im 20. if i even make it to 20, atp i doubt it. not everything is gonna fit in this post so check part 2 on my page-