I'm at a point where i talk to people but then go silent cuz i feel like I'm pushing for connection but really just pushing people away, where i find humor in my problems so they hurt less, where i smile in public just to come home and break in my room when no one can see me. being a teenager sucks cuz the fuck you mean when we were little, we cried so our parents would come to us, but now we force ourselves to cry silently so our parents don't find out why we're broken. it sucks to wear long sleeves in summer, overheating but knowing it's the only option. processing everything alone because when you open up, people leave. Holding everything in knowing you're just going to end up filtering emotions of emotional hurt into anger until you can't control it is like knowing you're a ticking time bomb and then retreating to your room to sit in it alone rather than drown other people with you. cuz wdym i get to watch my friends thrive knowing i don't even have a purpose anymore? Failing classes, failing my friends, failing my parents, failing random people i don't even know, but none of it compares to sitting back and accepting that you've failed yourself as a person. I hate my my eyes, I hate my nose, I hate my lips, I hate my teeth, i hate my arms, i hate my hands, i hate my wrists, i hate my scars, i hate my waist, i hate my thighs, i hate my legs, i my hair, i hate my shoulders, i hate my personality, i hate that im either to much or never enough, i hate the way my parents talk down on me, i hate the way i hide everthing knowing i can never come back from it, i hate the way i talk, i hate my room, and i hate the fact that im good at nothing, and that i suck at EVERYTHING. i just wanna be normal and feel normal and just not be me. i let people down, i say shit that hurts people and i can see it on their faces and it plays over and over in my head every night until i hurt myself and it goes away, i try to make jokes and they always fall flat because either it was to deep or just not the moment. im sorry.